SBUPDATES

THE RUMOR WINDMILL WAS SPINNING SOMETHING FIERCE ABOUT SBARRZ GOING UNDER. WELL SUCK ON THIS:

IT'S STILL OPEN YOU GARBANZO BEANS. THIS PICTURE CONFIRMS THAT THE FINEST EATERY IN THE STATES IS INDEED STILL OPEN. THERE ARE REPORTS OF PLYWOOD COVERING ALL THE WINDOWS.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY—THERE'S PROBABLY A HURRICANE COMING. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR SBARRO TO GO UNDER BECAUSE THERE ARE LIKE 1 TRILLION CHICKENS IN AMERICA. AND ALL THOSE CHICKENS HAVE A COLLECTIVE 1 TRILLION STOMACHS THAT NEED TO BE FED. THAT FEED CAN ONLY COME FROM ONE PLACE: YOU GUESSED IT. CORN. AND CORN IS MADE FROM SBARRO AKA THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF LIFE. SOME SAY THAT'S LEGO'S. OTHERS SAY IT'S GENES. OTHERS SAY ITS JEANS MADE FROM LEGOS. AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT.

WHEN THE HURRICANE COMES, HEAD TO SBARRO WITH ONE CHICKEN ON EACH SHOULDER.

POETRY CORNER

ON A CRISP CARNIVAL DAY, CHILDREN PRANCED AND PARENTS GLANCED AS TROUBLES FADED AWAY. SUCH A CURIOUS SETTING FOR A MYSTERIOUS WEDDING BETWEEN MAN AND HIS BELOVED TOUPEE.

HE LOST ALL HIS HAIR IN A TRAGIC AFFAIR, WHERE FIRE MET SCALP, SCALP MET A YELP, AND FOLLICLES MET THEIR DEMISE. SO IT SHOULD BE NO SURPRISE THAT THIS NOT-SO-WISE GUY WOULD SEEK A REVISED DISGUISE.

PLOPPED A MOP ON HIS TOP, A RACCOON ON HIS ROCK, AND A SPOOL OF WOOL ON HIS NOODLE. BUT TO NO AVAIL, HE KNEW HE HAD FAILED WHEN OTHERS LOOKED DOWN ON HIM STALE.

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD, HE LOOKED TOWARD THE LORD FOR AN ANSWER OR SOMETHING MORE SURE. AFTER HOURS OF THINKING, HIS MIND GOT TO INKLING, EYES LIT UP TWINKLING, AND BROW BEGAN CRINKLING—FOR INSPIRATION HAD STRUCK. TO HAVE HAIR AT ALL, ONE MUST FIND A HAIRBALL, MARRY IT, AND THEN FUCK.

SO THEY DID.

GOING GREY? HERE'S THE CURE

MOST PEOPLE NOTICE A GRAY HAIR AND THEY DO WHAT MOST PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY DON'T LIKE THEIR HAIR—JOIN THE ARMY SO THAT THEY GET A FREE BUZZ HAIRCUT THEN PRETEND TO GET INJURED TO LEAVE THE ARMY.

BUT THERE IS NOW AN EASIER WAY. SCIENCE HAS INDICATED THAT EATING GREY HAIR PREVENTS NEW GRAY HAIR FROM FORMING.

HERE'S PROOF: CATS GET HAIRBALLS. GREY CATS DON'T EVER HACK UP HAIRBALLS BECAUSE THEY EAT THEIR HAIR. GRAY CATS HAVE 10 LIVES.

SO, HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? HAIR IS ABSORBED THROUGH THE SMALL INTESTINE, WHICH IS THE EPICENTER FOR AGING. THE SMALL INTESTINE ADOPTS THE GREY HAIR, AND LETS IT GROW THERE. IN ESSENCE THE BRAVE LITTLE ORGAN TAKES THE HIT FOR THE REST OF THE BODY. THE INTESTINES AGE RAPIDLY AND THE REST OF THE BODY STOPS AGING ALTOGETHER.

IF YOU ENCOUNTER ANY OLD PEOPLE, START NOSHING ON THEIR GREY MATTER IMMEDIATELY. YOU GET TO STOP AGING AND THEY GET A FREE HAIRCUT—SAVING THEM THE TROUBLE OF HAVING TO PRETEND JOIN THE ARMY AND THUS COMPLETING THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

OPEN SESAME

COUPLE HUDRED PEOPLE HAVE EMAILED THE BLOG TRYING TO SOLVE THE RIDDLE FROM THIS POST.

THE ANSWER WAS PRETTY OBVIOUS. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SEPARATE SOME SBARRO CHEESE FROM ITS CRUST AND LAY IT OVER THE COMPUTER SCREEN. THE GAPS IN THE CHEESE WILL REVEAL LIFE'S #1 RATED MYSTERY.

AS YOU CAN SEE, THE PASSWORD IS: COWLIPS.

WHO WILL POLICE THE PEDWAY

A CONCERNED CITIZEN JUST PASSED ON SOME UNSETTLING WORDS.

THERE IS A COUPLE WANDERING THE PEDWAY PRETENDING TO BE "MARRIED". THE WIFE IS ALSO SUPPOSEDLY "PREGNANT." AS SUCH, THE PREGNANT AND MARRIED COUPLE DESERVE A FREE MEAL, FOR WHICH THEY ARE ASKING BUSY PEDWAY TROTTERS.

IF YOU SUGGEST SUBWAY, THEY WILL REPLY, "EHHHH" AND DEMAND HALSTED STREET DELI INSTEAD.

THEN, WHEN THEY CON THEIR WAY INTO HALSTED STREET DELI, THEY WILL ORDER ARIZONA ICED TEA TO DRINK, WHICH, AS THE WHISTLEBLOWER POINTS OUT, HAS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE FOR FETUSES.

IF YOU SEE ANY MARRIED AND PREGNANT PEOPLE IN THE PEDWAY, THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION IS POUR HOT COFFEE ON THEM.

GUEST WHO?

A LOT OF PEOPLE SEND IN REQUESTS TO whichwayisfaster@gmail.com TO BE FEATURED ON THIS BLOG. IT'S MOSTLY STROLLER COMPANIES WHO WANT PAID ENDORSEMENTS THAT REACH LOTS OF MOMS, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE WWIF'S WIDEST DEMOGRAPHIC. THIS DAY'S GUEST POSTER GOES ONLY BY "SW," OR ALSO "SOUTHWEST" OR ALSO "SO, WHICHWAYISFASTER?"

THE RESTAURANTS IN THE PEDWAY ARE AWFUL–AWFULLY GREAT!

Cosi Cafe

Don't be fooled by the homophone, there's nothing "cozy" about this cafe–except the seats, the atmosphere, and the tasty wraps! Their warm soups are like eating a comforting blanket.

Houlihan's

More like "Who-lihans," as in, "Who the heck would eat there?" Anyone looking for top-quality America fare, that's who! Eat there once, and you'll be asking yourself, "Why-didn't-I-eat-here-sooner-lihans?"

Sbarro

There's nothing "Sub-Par-oh" about this Italian eatery. Try any of the food to gain insight into the mouth of a stoned mall employee or fat person.

EVERYONE SUBMITS TO WWIF

Dear Which Way is Faster?,

Long-time reader, first-time e-mailer. Came across this door during a sbtrip to Sbarro the other sbday. What do you think?

-JW

IT MEANS WHAT THE WORLD HAS ALWAYS FEARED: THAT ALL DOORS ALWAYS FEAR ALL HUMANS. LET THIS BE A LESSON TO THE UNIVERSE—IF THERE IS A PASSAGEWAY TO SOMETHING, DON'T PUT A BLOCKADE IN FRONT OF IT. THAT ONLY CONFUSES THE ARCHITECTURE ITSELF. INSTEAD MAKE SURE IT'S ALWAYS ON FIRE, SO THE ONLY THING THAT WILL ATTEMPT TO GO THROUGH WILL BE WELL-TRAINED CIRCUS TIGERS.

TIGERS PROTECT THINGS + DOORS FEEL SECURE = PROBLEM SOLVED.

KEEP THE QUESTIONS COMING IN HOT: whichwayisfaster@gmail.com

ON TOP OF THE WORLD

SBARRO FINALLY REALIZED HOW MANY LOYAL CONVERTS WERE EMERGING FROM THIS BLOG, AND DECIDED TO AWARD VIP STATUS. BASICALLY ANY SLICE OF PIZZA WILL BE 10% OFF, AND AFTER EIGHT 10% OFF PIZZAS, THERE WILL BE 20% OF A PIZZA REMAINING, WHICH CAN BE TRADED FOR A NEW 100% SLICE PLUS A FREE SMALL POP. IN ORDER TO BE INITIATED, YOU MUST KNOW SOMEONE ALREADY IN THE CLUB PLUS THE SECRET PASSWORD. YOU ALREADY KNOW SOMEONE, AND THE PASSWORD IS HIDDEN SOMEWHERE IN THIS POST. GOOD LUCK SBLUETHS.

EVER HEARD OF A KID IN A CANDY STORE

WHAT ABOUT A BOY IN A LAKE?

RUMOR WINDMILL

EVER HAD THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING? YES.

EVER HAD MAYONNAISE? YES.

EVER HAD BLOOD? NO

WRONG.

THAT'S RIGHT. THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING IS MADE OF MAYONAISE AND BLOOD. THOUGH THE SOURCE ANIMAL FOR THE BLOOD REMAINS A MYSTERY, THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY AGREES THAT EATING THOUSAND ISLAND PROVES EVOLUTION.

DIDJA (MIS)HEAR?

IT'S DRAG AND DROP, NOT DRAGON DROP, YA DINOSAUR BRAIN

THIS JUST IN

SBARRO'S BREADSTICKS ARE BURNT TODAY. I JUST HEARD IT FROM A MAN IN THE ELEVATOR. SPRINTING OVER RIGHT NOW TO CONFIRM AND PROBABLY DENY THIS IMPOSSIBLE NOTION.

DIDJA HEAR?

IF A LIZARD LOSES A TAIL IT GROWS BACK. IF A HUMAN LOSES AN ARM IT BECOMES A TAIL. IF AN ARM BECOMES A TAIL IT'S A LEG. IN CONCLUSION, HUMANS HAVE 3 LEGS AND 1 TAIL. USE THEM ALL WISELY.

DECISION TIME

BETWEEN FANNY PACKS OR GETTING DEAD, IT WOULD HAVE TO BE DA PACK. IT'S WHAT NATURE WANTS.

DIDJA HEAR

YOU KNOW THAT ONE WEBSITE, WIKIPEDIA? LITTLE KNOWN TRUTH: WILL SMITH INVENTED THE WORD "WIKI" WHICH SOMEONE STOLE AND COMBINED WITH "ENCYCLOPEDIA." LONG STORY SHORT, WILL SMITH IS THE PROUD OWNER OF ALL OF THE WORLD'S COLLECTIVE KNOWLEDGE.

PROOF:Uhh..
Wicki-wild wild
Wicki-wicki-wild
Wicki-wildWicki-wicki Wild Wild West
Jim West, desperadoRough rider, no you don't want nada
None of this, six-gunnin this, brother runnin this

ETC ETC ETC
- LYRICS TO WILD WILD WEST

FIRE TIP - HOW TO DOUBLE YOUR MONEY

YOU (TO A FRIEND): "A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?" (HAND FRIEND A PENNY)

FRIEND: "THANKS. HERE'S MY TWO CENTS" (THEY HAND YOU TWO CENTS)

THEN GO TO THE BANK, YOU'RE RICH!

DIDJA HEAR

SOMEONE SPILLED SOME MERCURY IN THE BUILDING, BUT IT'S ALL CLEANED UP NOW. EVERYONE THAT TOOK SHELTER IN SBARRO CAN NOW RETURN TO THE BUILDING.

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO PUT YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSES SHOES

BUT THEN REALIZED YOU WORE DIFFERENT SIZES?

THE ONLY UNIVERSAL SHOE SIZE IS SBARRO

DID YOU KNOW SBARRO ISNT EVEN A WORD?

PROOF: http://www.morewords.com/starts-with/sb/

DIDJA HEAR?

UNLESS THEY'RE EATEN BY A SHARK, LOBSTERS WILL LIVE FOREVER. GOD HELP US.

DIDJA HEAR? READER TIP EDITION

ANDY, A DEVOUT FAN OF THE BLOG, INFORMED OF A SALE AT THAT'S OUR BAG

http://maps.google.com/maps/place?cid=7009505126421712015

I RECOMMEND TAKING THE PEDWAY AND STOPPING AT SBARRO BEFORE GOING TO PURCHASE A NEW BACKPACK.

SEE YOU AT THE PURSE RACKS, RIGHT LADIES?

PULL OVER GURRRRL

DIDJA HEAR

IT SNOWED!

THE RESULTS ARE IN

SBARRO FRUIT DRINK IS GOOD. THIS FOAMY CUP IS FILLED WITH CARROTS AND APPLES. RATING: FOUR OUT OF FIVE SBARRO PIZZA SLICES

SBARRO

SBARRO IS CURRENTLY CLOSED. BUT HOT DAMN THEY HAVE JUICE!

WHICH PEDWAY IS THE FASTWAY

ANDY'S WAY APPEARS TO BE 20 SECONDS FASTER