RUMOR MILL IS GENERATING WIND ELECTRICITY

EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT BANANAS LATELY. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT IS AUGUST, PRIME FRUIT SALAD MONTH. TO CELEBRATE HERE IS A RECIPE FOR GRANDMA'S RECIPE:

1. MINCE 20 BANANAS
2. ADD DRIED BANANA CHIPS
3. TOSS IN ITALIAN DRESSING
4. ENJOY, BEST SERVED OVER A BOWL OF KIX

SBUPDATES

THE RUMOR WINDMILL WAS SPINNING SOMETHING FIERCE ABOUT SBARRZ GOING UNDER. WELL SUCK ON THIS:

IT'S STILL OPEN YOU GARBANZO BEANS. THIS PICTURE CONFIRMS THAT THE FINEST EATERY IN THE STATES IS INDEED STILL OPEN. THERE ARE REPORTS OF PLYWOOD COVERING ALL THE WINDOWS.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY—THERE'S PROBABLY A HURRICANE COMING. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR SBARRO TO GO UNDER BECAUSE THERE ARE LIKE 1 TRILLION CHICKENS IN AMERICA. AND ALL THOSE CHICKENS HAVE A COLLECTIVE 1 TRILLION STOMACHS THAT NEED TO BE FED. THAT FEED CAN ONLY COME FROM ONE PLACE: YOU GUESSED IT. CORN. AND CORN IS MADE FROM SBARRO AKA THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF LIFE. SOME SAY THAT'S LEGO'S. OTHERS SAY IT'S GENES. OTHERS SAY ITS JEANS MADE FROM LEGOS. AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT.

WHEN THE HURRICANE COMES, HEAD TO SBARRO WITH ONE CHICKEN ON EACH SHOULDER.

POETRY CORNER

ON A CRISP CARNIVAL DAY, CHILDREN PRANCED AND PARENTS GLANCED AS TROUBLES FADED AWAY. SUCH A CURIOUS SETTING FOR A MYSTERIOUS WEDDING BETWEEN MAN AND HIS BELOVED TOUPEE.

HE LOST ALL HIS HAIR IN A TRAGIC AFFAIR, WHERE FIRE MET SCALP, SCALP MET A YELP, AND FOLLICLES MET THEIR DEMISE. SO IT SHOULD BE NO SURPRISE THAT THIS NOT-SO-WISE GUY WOULD SEEK A REVISED DISGUISE.

PLOPPED A MOP ON HIS TOP, A RACCOON ON HIS ROCK, AND A SPOOL OF WOOL ON HIS NOODLE. BUT TO NO AVAIL, HE KNEW HE HAD FAILED WHEN OTHERS LOOKED DOWN ON HIM STALE.

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD, HE LOOKED TOWARD THE LORD FOR AN ANSWER OR SOMETHING MORE SURE. AFTER HOURS OF THINKING, HIS MIND GOT TO INKLING, EYES LIT UP TWINKLING, AND BROW BEGAN CRINKLING—FOR INSPIRATION HAD STRUCK. TO HAVE HAIR AT ALL, ONE MUST FIND A HAIRBALL, MARRY IT, AND THEN FUCK.

SO THEY DID.

GOING GREY? HERE'S THE CURE

MOST PEOPLE NOTICE A GRAY HAIR AND THEY DO WHAT MOST PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY DON'T LIKE THEIR HAIR—JOIN THE ARMY SO THAT THEY GET A FREE BUZZ HAIRCUT THEN PRETEND TO GET INJURED TO LEAVE THE ARMY.

BUT THERE IS NOW AN EASIER WAY. SCIENCE HAS INDICATED THAT EATING GREY HAIR PREVENTS NEW GRAY HAIR FROM FORMING.

HERE'S PROOF: CATS GET HAIRBALLS. GREY CATS DON'T EVER HACK UP HAIRBALLS BECAUSE THEY EAT THEIR HAIR. GRAY CATS HAVE 10 LIVES.

SO, HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? HAIR IS ABSORBED THROUGH THE SMALL INTESTINE, WHICH IS THE EPICENTER FOR AGING. THE SMALL INTESTINE ADOPTS THE GREY HAIR, AND LETS IT GROW THERE. IN ESSENCE THE BRAVE LITTLE ORGAN TAKES THE HIT FOR THE REST OF THE BODY. THE INTESTINES AGE RAPIDLY AND THE REST OF THE BODY STOPS AGING ALTOGETHER.

IF YOU ENCOUNTER ANY OLD PEOPLE, START NOSHING ON THEIR GREY MATTER IMMEDIATELY. YOU GET TO STOP AGING AND THEY GET A FREE HAIRCUT—SAVING THEM THE TROUBLE OF HAVING TO PRETEND JOIN THE ARMY AND THUS COMPLETING THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

OPEN SESAME

COUPLE HUDRED PEOPLE HAVE EMAILED THE BLOG TRYING TO SOLVE THE RIDDLE FROM THIS POST.

THE ANSWER WAS PRETTY OBVIOUS. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SEPARATE SOME SBARRO CHEESE FROM ITS CRUST AND LAY IT OVER THE COMPUTER SCREEN. THE GAPS IN THE CHEESE WILL REVEAL LIFE'S #1 RATED MYSTERY.

AS YOU CAN SEE, THE PASSWORD IS: COWLIPS.

WHO WILL POLICE THE PEDWAY

A CONCERNED CITIZEN JUST PASSED ON SOME UNSETTLING WORDS.

THERE IS A COUPLE WANDERING THE PEDWAY PRETENDING TO BE "MARRIED". THE WIFE IS ALSO SUPPOSEDLY "PREGNANT." AS SUCH, THE PREGNANT AND MARRIED COUPLE DESERVE A FREE MEAL, FOR WHICH THEY ARE ASKING BUSY PEDWAY TROTTERS.

IF YOU SUGGEST SUBWAY, THEY WILL REPLY, "EHHHH" AND DEMAND HALSTED STREET DELI INSTEAD.

THEN, WHEN THEY CON THEIR WAY INTO HALSTED STREET DELI, THEY WILL ORDER ARIZONA ICED TEA TO DRINK, WHICH, AS THE WHISTLEBLOWER POINTS OUT, HAS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE FOR FETUSES.

IF YOU SEE ANY MARRIED AND PREGNANT PEOPLE IN THE PEDWAY, THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION IS POUR HOT COFFEE ON THEM.

GUEST WHO?

A LOT OF PEOPLE SEND IN REQUESTS TO whichwayisfaster@gmail.com TO BE FEATURED ON THIS BLOG. IT'S MOSTLY STROLLER COMPANIES WHO WANT PAID ENDORSEMENTS THAT REACH LOTS OF MOMS, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE WWIF'S WIDEST DEMOGRAPHIC. THIS DAY'S GUEST POSTER GOES ONLY BY "SW," OR ALSO "SOUTHWEST" OR ALSO "SO, WHICHWAYISFASTER?"

THE RESTAURANTS IN THE PEDWAY ARE AWFUL–AWFULLY GREAT!

Cosi Cafe

Don't be fooled by the homophone, there's nothing "cozy" about this cafe–except the seats, the atmosphere, and the tasty wraps! Their warm soups are like eating a comforting blanket.

Houlihan's

More like "Who-lihans," as in, "Who the heck would eat there?" Anyone looking for top-quality America fare, that's who! Eat there once, and you'll be asking yourself, "Why-didn't-I-eat-here-sooner-lihans?"

Sbarro

There's nothing "Sub-Par-oh" about this Italian eatery. Try any of the food to gain insight into the mouth of a stoned mall employee or fat person.